Being stalked by a social media algorithm - that encourages stalking, and other relationshit shit.
I am, of course, talking primarily about Facebook. There are others, and there’s a cross over between Insta and Tickety-tock etc in any event.
Since I changed my relationship status to single on Facebook I have been inundated with a variety of sponsored advertisements via Facebook ranging from:
Reasonably respectable matching sites. Not my thing but not objectionable
Invitations to a thing called Merge Dating, that suits particular demographics, and which I’ve actually been to, and was actually quite fun
Unsavory soft porn
Utterly daft astrological mutually contradictory astrological blitherage about compatible signs, like which ones are the best lovers, least toxic, key characteristics and most likely to be your soul mate, best friend etc
Pop psychology, usually on how to manage or destroy a narcissist. Having had experience with narcissists in a range of different relationships, friends, partners, colleagues and bosses let me say I don’t want to have anything to do with a narc, other than stay the fuck away from them
Innumerable experts in life skills coaching to persuade you that your ex will return if you do certain things, such as going zero contact and maintaining distance. Very rarely is it conceded these things are not a guarantee, and are not intended to give false hope. There are some ones worth watching
Mediums with a penchant for sketching, who, for a fee and your credit card details (and access to your social media profiles), draw your soulmate. Unsurprisingly the examples provided either look like your last ex, or a person you’ve ended up with, and
Quotes, epithets, prose and poetry of a broken hearted human seemingly incapable of letting go, accepting reality and moving on with their own life. It reminds me of stuff I wrote in my angst-ridden teens, some of which I uncovered recently. It had pimples. It will never see the light of day again.
And so on and so forth. A couple of issues with managing the avalanche of sponsored ads. You can block the sites, but it’s a combination of whack-a-mole and dealing with a Hydra. You can choose to be totally uninterested in the damn things and you get told you won’t see these sort of things “for a while”.
WTAF? I don’t want to see them at all. Yes, yes, one can go to one’s settings on Facebook to manage ad preferences.
Good luck getting that page to open.
Skimming through reels to see genuinely OK stuff, it’s peppered with relationshit junk mail. Allow the things to play and sure as our collective backsides point to the ground you’ll get more of the same - some of which won’t even have any spelling errors.
Disturbingly, and particularly as between items 4-8 above, filtering out that which is pretty much keeping it real, there is either overt encouragement to engage in cyberstalking of an ex, or within the comments there are invitations, exclusively from the male of the species, generally all tanned and buff, who, if you drop them a PM will give you the technological means to check your ex’s social media/device “WITHOUT THEM KNOWING” to unlock their “dirty little narcissistic secrets”.
Hacking.
For the record, I doubt such tech exists, and if it does, writing this from Australia, it’s actually illegal unless you have a warrant etc. It’s also totally creepy, and if you’re in the headspace to do it, I believe that it will only screw you up more. I don’t know who needs to hear this but:
“IT WILL NOT HELP YOU MOVE ON, DICKHEAD”.
And from an ethical standpoint, why would you do that? Similarly, if your significant other leaves their ‘phone, tablet, iPad or PC unlocked and you can have easy access to messages, unless you were suspicious, would you go looking? I’ll leave that one with you.
Sure, people might be on the receiving end of a break up that they didn’t see coming, or if they did, may have either accepted or minimized their own role in it. For those who acknowledge their own role - whether someone has been cheating, or that person has pulled back and is not as emotionally available to the instigator, they may also have good reason initiating a split.
That might have been discussed with the instigator in terms of speaking one’s truths but it won’t make the slightest bit of difference one way or the other to either of you, other than making things worse, generally for you, emotionally and from the standpoint of your own healing. People who break up with you generally don’t wake up in the morning and decide it’s over. It has usually taken weeks or months, and they may have been incredibly good at hiding it. That’s probably rare but happens. Usually there will be subtle or not so subtle behaviour shifts over time, well maybe you were blinded to them, or made allowances because your significant other was going through some stuff. I can relate to that - because I have a history of red flags in relationships and thinking it’s a parade, or a sign I need to try harder, when in fact, it was not me.
Seeking to hack into their social media is not going to help you, unless you get some sort of vicarious thrill of “being right” and claiming a “win”. I mean, who are you going to tell? Your former partner? How do you explain coming into that knowledge without admitting being a bit of a creep?
Would you tell anyone else, mutual friends for example, and why? What benefit accrues to anyone from that course? Because if you are the sort of person that would engage in that sort of thing, it will tell them far more about you than it would about your ex. It’s about as Pyrrhic a victory as you can get. You’ll end up with less friends, no discernable improvement in your headspace, a continued unhealed wound and no sense of peace.
This leads us down the track of, with respect to a relationship break-up, to be friends in the wake of it. This assumes there was no egregiously toxic physically/verbally/emotionally abusive behaviour on either or both sides. We’ve all been there, and how often does it work straight away?
That’s a rhetorical question. It just doesn’t. There’ll be feelings and emotions on both sides. There’s still emotional tethering. You will likely find the both of you slipping into the behaviours that made it not work out the first time. It is the ultimate road to hell paved with good intentions. Going zero contact is the best for the both of you, particularly you, the dumpee,
It hurts. It requires avoiding places you may have gone together. If there is a chance for friendship down the track, even a resumption of the relationship, zero contact and avoiding it where possible is about the best and only thing you can do. Find peace on your own terms, and in disengaging avoid losing your self respect by communicating this disrespectfully or abusively.
The more time you spend in that space, the less you will think about that person, the more you will fill your time with things that bring you joy, peace and healing. You will not get that scrolling through reels and such that fill your head and heart with false hopes, bitterness or resentment.
Engaging in the toxicity of seeking revenge or vindication through unethical and likely illegal behaviours, will only perpetuate the cycle of hurt, eroding you from the inside out. And it won’t bring your ex back, and it might just bring the cops with a restraining order and it would serve you fucking right.
For the life of me I don’t understand the psychology or emotional intelligence of those that perpetuate those behaviours in themselves, or promote them, for a fee and subscribers through social media. And yet social media stalks you with that stuff, and encourages stalking as part of the deal, all of which is the antithesis of self-care, healing and finding peace.
Need help getting through a break-up? Speak with a trained professional. Feeling worthless and discarded? There are organizations you can call for support (Lifeline in Australia are superb). Struggling with self-medicating to shut the world out? Same - AA, NA, SMART Recovery. See your Dr, get a therapist, take up a hobby, get a dog. But for fuck’s sake don’t wallow in self-pity and misery. Miss your ex? Of course you do. But the best place to miss them from is distance. And it’s a known fact that when you do go no contact, they’re going to miss you too.
Let them. They made the decision to split. They might not have acknowledged anything at all as to their own role in where it went down the shitter, it is now up to them to deal with that in their own time and space and you are not available or accessible to help them, as it should be. Why? You have to focus on you. That’s where your real power is.
Googling “going zero contact with an ex”, or “disengaging from a toxic friend/colleague/boss/) will provide you with much better tools and information than many a reel on social media. None of these will require you to provide access to social media profiles, credit card details or information that might compromise your password.
None of them will use woo-woo astrological horseshit about your moon in pyrex and none of it is your fault, or require you to anal bleach while manifesting in a portal, breathless breathing vortex or chanting a mantra while burning sage.
The real ones will emphasise that if you want to heal, and hell, even have the fortune to have a healthy friendship with your ex and even re-explore a relationship - provided they’ve done the work you have, that answer is nowhere other than inside you.
Disclaimer/confession/acknowledgement - in writing this stuff I’m not a trained therapist or counsellor or coach. It’s all coming from my own experiences in not going no contact in the past and it doing my absolute fucking head in, and finally taking that step, and getting my fucking headspace in order.
In that regard big shout outs to the following, who are worth following whether you do seek reconnection with your ex, or just how to find peace in zero contact:
https://www.youtube.com/@Michael-to-the-Max Michael’s Facebook Page https://www.youtube.com/@blacademic https://www.facebook.com/coachblac https://www.youtube.com/@AdamCam10 https://www.facebook.com/adamrcam